Notes from the Single Mom's Half-Empty Nest

This week, I’m dropping my first born at college. I’m so excited for her new life, as she is posed to launch towards her promising future, reaching and even exceeding her dreams. I am proud she has a true sense of herself. She is not trying to please everyone around her like I spent most of my life doing. I do have to pat myself on the back for getting one child on her way to independence.

This week, my younger daughter struggles with picking me up at the airport or going to the first high school football game with her friends. She has chosen the latter. I am relieved she is a healthy teen. Younger kids of single mothers often feel guilt about leaving their moms at home.

I’ve always considered myself an independent woman. I’ve always been on my own, even during my marriage. I’m used to the quiet weekends when I have no plans and am at home with my laptop and a bowl of air popcorn for dinner when my kids are at their dad’s or with friends.

Yet, tonight when my daughter told me she’s having dinner with her new suite mates, part of me did a little victory dance. She’s on her way! But the other part of me fought back tears.

For most women with children, the shift from being needed as a mother to being sort of a useful accessory is rough going. We need to redefine our roles.

For couples with a healthy marriage, empty nest means time to reconnect with each other in a new way. For single parents, there’s this pervasive loneliness that comes from the process. For most mothers, there’s a shift in how we see ourselves.

I’ve never felt parenthood defined me. I love my children beyond what I could have imagined but have always needed to pursue outside interests to feel whole. And I am grateful for that because I don’t even know how I’d manage if I had been one of those career moms who sacrificed her individuality at the altar of Mom.

So, what can single mothers do when the kids are about to soar away? If we are unhappy with our careers or have no career, we need to figure out how to rekindle our dreams. We need to feel okay being alone. Maybe we will never find love in the form of another person. That’s okay as long as we love ourselves.

We can find new hobbies and reacquaint ourselves with the old. Pick up a paintbrush. Practice yoga. Take a class.

As with every experience, we need to focus on expressing gratitude for what we have rather than what we are missing. We were fortunate to have had our children in our midst for 17 or 18 years and it’s time to let them soar. As a friend used to say to me, “Your job as a parent is not to raise children but to raise adults.” So, if you are sending off a child to college, congratulate yourself for a job well done.

And remember, Thanksgiving will be here before you know it!